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Home > Online Magazine > Online Magazine: Edition 18 - August/September 2007 > Sex and the Single Girl

Sex and the Single Girl

by Erica Green

Sex and the Single Girl - Timely advice to young ladies

(Editorial note - see the comment in the editorial of this issue)

So now I hope that I have the attention of the target demographic, although, single guys may learn something about women by reading this also.

Let's be upfront here, my only qualifications to talk on this topic are: that I am a woman; that I was young and single once (but who is counting?); and that I have a desire for only the best for the young generation of beautiful girls that I see growing up around me. 

There are ideas that are being 'sold' to this generation of young women that cause me to worry for the impact on their sense of self worth and to be concerned as to where these ideas could potentially be leading them.  Thankfully most of the young women that I am close to have energetic minds that question things before adopting them as their own. 

Now I don't think that I would describe myself as a feminist, in the general understanding of the term.  I do not remember Germaine Greer in her hey day.  (Well, that is my story and I am sticking to it.)  I have never burned my bra.  (I need all the support against the ravages of time and gravity that I can get!)   However, I would say that I do have strong opinions about the significant intrinsic value of all women and it makes me sad to see when that is put in jeopardy. 

In my opinion, we are selling ourselves short when we believe some of the generally held myths about sex and relationships that are doing the rounds. 

Myth Number One:- All men have a one track mind straight to their pants and that is just the way that they are made and is something that we as women need to accept and get over

No, this is not true.  Most 'decent' guys have a brain that rules their pants. This is what separates mankind from animals. Trust me, you don't want to be partnered with one who is ruled by his pants.  How could you expect him to stay faithful to you during the difficult times in your relationship? And no matter how much you love each other there will be difficult times. 

If, in your experience, this is the only type of guy that you have met, you 'so' need to change your circle of friends.  There are some good guys out there don't settle for less than you deserve.

Myth Number Two:- 'Friends with privileges' or 'bonk buddies' is an acceptable relationship.  For those who may not be familiar with the term, this means friends who partner together for the purposes of 'no strings attached' sex, as and when each feels the inclination.  Neither intends it to be an exclusive or emotional relationship with each other.

False.  In my opinion, this is quite an emotionally dangerous arrangement.  What you are saying is that it is okay for you to be used as a masturbatorial aid and vice-versa.  What category does that put you in?

Someone in the relationship will get hurt and that will probably be you.  No matter what you say upfront, there is the huge potential for someone to become emotionally involved and confuse sex with a relationship followed by heartbreak when things do not turn out that way.

You deserve a relationship that is going somewhere.  Why would you waste your time on someone, who right up front, makes it clear that they give so little interest for you as a person that they don't want to be in a relationship with you, but just wants to use you for their own gratification?

Myth Number Three:- Men just don't want to get married and they have to be cajoled into walking down the aisle.

No, this is not true.  When you find the right guy you will not have to lure or drag him to the altar screaming.

Yes, sure there are guys in this world that would never want to marry you, as I am sure there are men in this world that you would not want to marry.  (You are now conjuring up in your mind those dates from hell, aren't you?  The guy who would not stop "big-noting" himself all night; the blind date with the guy of dubious hygiene habits that you were conned into by a mutual acquaintance because you just could not say no.)  There are also guys in this world that will never love you and vice-versa.  That is okay, right? 

But what sort of guy, once head over heels in love with you, would not want to marry you?  If he loves you, that much, would he not want to make sure that you knew exactly how he feels about you?  Would he not want to make sure that there was a mutual commitment from you?  Would he not want to leave no possible doubt in everyone else's mind that you are his and his alone?  Blokes don't do sharing.  He will want to mark out his patch and show other guys that they should back off from this gorgeous woman that is the best thing that has ever happened to him. 

If he does not love you that much, trust me, you do not want to marry him.  Don't try and force the wedding, for the wedding's sake, without the love bit sorted out first.  It will only end in tears.  It is more a matter of finding the right guy who is so in love with you that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you and the wedding bit comes easily.

Myth Number Four:- If you are past teenage years you 'so' need to 'get laid' and get some experience in matters of the bedroom.

Not essential, but when it is with the right guy at the right time it is really nice.  By the way 'getting laid' and making love are not necessarily the same thing.  Don't settle for sex with 'a' guy when you could be making love with 'the' guy.  The guy, who is not only a lover but who is also a kindred spirit.  The guy with whom you share emotional intimacy as well as physical intimacy. The guy, who is in there for the long haul relationship.

Yes, I know that people are settling down to a partnership much later in life these days and some may say that it is good to get some practice in with other people before that.  But, I am not so sure about that.  There is something comforting in knowing that there is one area of your lives that is unique between the two of you.  One aspect of your relationship that can never be compared with anyone else.  He may be able to compare your cooking skills but not your bedroom experience.  So what if you fumble your way through the mechanics of it all at first.  I would rather be working that out with someone I loved and with someone who had my best interests at heart.  If you are sensitive with each other, you will work it out.

Myth Number Five:- It is fine to partner up with someone who does not necessarily have the same religious experience and values that you do, provided they love you.  Love is the main thing.

Mmm, yes and no.  Love is important, but you can make it easier for yourself or you can make it harder for yourself.  That is your choice here.  Where a significant part of who you are is tied up in certain values, you want to be able to share them with the person who means the most to you in this world.  The same applies for major differences in any value set, not just religion.  By the way, don't be fooled, you can belong to the same church and yet still be in quite different places with regard to your faith.

A large part of the weekend for my husband and I is spent in church activities.  We have intentionally got involved in jobs at church that we can do together, rather than being separated on the weekends.  This is part of who we are and we love to spend time together sharing that.  Trust me we are not Mr. & Mrs. Perfect.  We still need our space, and I don't think we could work all week together without paying a high price in our relationship.

Constantly having to think around potential conflicting values on day-to-day issues must put a real strain on any relationship.    There are enough causes of pressure in life without intentionally selecting that one for your basket of stressors.  I know, you will never find someone who is totally aligned with your thinking on everything.  But make it easy on yourself, pick your priority values, the things that are the most important to you, and make sure that you're alignment at least on them. 

The list of myths could go on, but this is enough to get you thinking on the topic.  I could also leave you with a plethora or do's and don't from the bible on the subject, but you would probably glaze over with boredom and roll your eyes back in your head, if I have not already elicited this response.   So, only two texts.

This complicated sexually charged relationship 'stuff', really all boils down to two simple things: having a healthy amount of respect for yourself; and extending the same to others. 

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